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Like it or not, part of everyday life as a parent is Setting Limits with our child. We naturally want to keep our kids safe, help them build respectful relationships and learn to take care of themselves. And that means we need them to do things like stop snatching toys from a friend, wash their hair, and get into the car seat. Knowing when and how to set effective limits can be a challenge.

As Parents we’re really good at noticing everything that isn't working, seeing all the things that might go wrong - we’re good at worrying. So when is it good to worry? And when is it plain unhelpful?

A stunning 80% of adults feel like their parents didn’t really love them as a kid (1). Of course, we all love our children beyond words. Sometimes that love gets buried under feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, loneliness, and worry. Yet deep down we want nothing more than our child to feel cherished and good no matter what their struggles are in life. So it’s not lack of love

It’s helpful to recognise how frustration is a natural part of learning. You’ll notice how struggles happen before new skills are learnt or new thinking can occur. A 5 year old will inevitably fall off her bike many times before she learns to ride it and a toddler will put the square shape into the round hole again and again before he figures out where it should go. We need to appreciate the value of struggle as part of the learning experience, as psychologist Dr Lara Markham puts it, “that’s how we develop mastery muscles and the confidence to tackle the next hurdle”

When we choose to parent differently to the norm, we add an extra layer of challenge to our already overfull plates. Without the support and backing of family, friends or professionals, the challenging job of caring for our children gets a whole lot tougher. Parents who choose to parent by connection rather than the mainstream rewards and punishment approach often feel isolated in their views.

According to parent surveys, 20-30% of young children have significant problems going to bed (Mindell et al 2006) and I think most families deal with some degree of bedtime struggle at one time or another. Resistance to bedtime is a big red flag that your child needs your help. And a good starting point is to try and figure out why they are struggling. In the vast majority of cases, I believe the causes are emotional.

Handling children’s aggression brings us some of the most challenging moments as a parent. It’s all too easy to respond with annoyance, or plain anger. It seems that a child’s hostility has a way of making us lose sight of their goodness. We forget that more than anything they want to fit in, to do the right thing, to love others and feel loved. It can be hard to remember that, even in these emotional moments, they are doing their very best. When their behaviour isn’t working, there are good reasons.

One of my favorite pieces of writing on sharing comes from Heather Shumaker in her wonderful book “It’s Okay Not to Share”

She points out how as adults we naturally take turns rather than share on demand. You’d likely feel really cross if your friend grabbed the book you were reading and said “I want it now, you’ve had it a really long time”, you’d expect her to wait until you’d finished.  And this concept of waiting until “you’re all done” works incredibly well for children too. It avoids the pitfalls of sharing that interrupt children’s play and encourages false generosity.

We’ve all felt our hearts soften after someone has apologized to us for a wrongdoing. And we all want our children to grow up being able to give heartfelt apologies. We want them to be kind, caring and compassionate. We want them to have good manners, to fit into society and get along well with others.

But a forced sorry is a far cry from a genuine apology. So what can we do to help our children give apologies that move others whilst leaving them feeling empowered, not humiliated? And how can we do that in a way that navigates social expectations in the present moment? This 7 step plan will show you how. The exact order we do them might vary depending on the situation.